The past six months have been so very difficult for me. The loss of my son has wrecked me in ways I simply cannot describe effectively. How am I supposed to move on from here? How do I work through this grief? This sadness? How do I stop wishing for that Saturday morning phone call I cherished so much? When does this feeling of emptiness and brokenness end? When will I stop being just a second away from tears?
I just reread my post from June where I described receiving his cremains and how that felt. As I read it today, I realized that his death was so fresh then that I was still in shock. The shock has passed now and what remains is profound loss. We are not supposed to lose our children, that’s now how God intended. But sometimes we do. And that experience is the absolute worst one I’ve ever had. You can’t imagine it – you can try, but you can’t. Because it’s a thousand times worse than that, a zillion times worse.
Brian took his life on May 25, 2026.
Suicide is devastating. It leaves you questioning everything. Asking why. Wondering what you could have done differently. Looking back with a “woulda, coulda, shoulda” attitude at every single conversation. Every facial expression. Every bad and good day. Wondering what you didn’t see. What you should’ve seen.
Guilt tries to rule your world. Blame becomes a part of your thought process. You begin to look at everyone around you wondering if you’re missing something there too. It is so hard. So hard.
This isn’t my first experience with suicide. Brian’s father took his life on February 16, 2011. It’s really hard not to blame him for setting the example. It’s hard not to blame myself for not seeing and helping to prevent both of their deaths.
Yes, there are things I should have done differently after Greg died. I should have insisted that our family get counseling, but I didn’t. I should have gotten better and more counseling myself, but I didn’t. I should have slowed down and lived with the grief and the loss instead of slamming the door to the past in my anger at him for what his actions did to our children. That slamming of the door did its own damage to our children and broke my relationships with them in ways I am truly ashamed of today.
Grief is ugly. Suicide is ugly. How we react to it can also be ugly. And our way of dealing, or not dealing, with it can cause reactions and ripples through our lives and relationships that might never get fixed.
And so, now, as I sit here thinking about Brian and wondering and questioning, I can’t help but wonder if those things I didn’t do after Greg died contributed to my son making the same choice. And I’m grieving my loss of Greg again, maybe really for the first time.
I am getting counseling this time – good counseling. I am attending a suicide loss support group. I’m working through this grief. I’m trying not to allow myself to blame me. I am trying to make it through a whole day without crying. I’m trying not to be angry. I’m trying to learn more about mental health.
If you’re also grieving someone who chose suicide, please get counseling. Please find a support group. Please do this to take care of yourself and your own mental health. I didn’t the first time, and I truly regret it today. https://goodtherapy.org To find a suicide loss support group near you: www.allianceofhope.org https://afsp.org https://suicidepreventionfoundation.com/
If you’re contemplating suicide, seek help. Get counseling. Call your parents, or a friend and be honest. We can’t understand what you’re feeling, but we can be there to help walk you through it. Call 9-8-8 or visit 988lifeline.org If you’re a Veteran, call 9-8-8, press 1 or visit https://veteranscrisisline.net https://suicidepreventionfoundation.com/
Heavenly Father, thank You for staying beside me and carrying me through this dark valley of loss and grief. I know I will never be able to understand why Brian or Greg made the choice they did. I have hope that You were there with them and gave them peace. For those reading this Lord, You know their deepest losses and struggles – let them know You. Surround us with Your strength and love, bring us peace and help us to remember the best about those we have lost, their laughter, their ridiculousness, their voice, their love. Help us to seek help when we can’t see through the darkness, take our fear of being honest about our needs away from us. Keep Your hand upon us Lord and guide us. Remember us. Remember our loved ones. In Jesus’ Name, Amen
