There is Hope

I feel like suicide is becoming far more common than it ever was, or perhaps in these days of social media we are just hearing about it more often. Most often, the loved ones and friends left behind are completely blindsided by the choice made because their life seemed so right. So happy. So perfect. But it wasn’t.

Some of you will know that my husband of nearly 30 years, and father of our beautiful children, took his own life a little more than 12 years ago. Our hearts are forever scarred by his choice and the many unanswered questions we were left with. Every time I read of someone else choosing suicide, those questions come back to the surface to haunt me.

I don’t mean to share the private details of Greg’s struggle here, those will remain private because they are not mine to share. Throughout our marriage I saw his struggle, but I was unable to help him. I was not surprised by his choice, he had told me many times that he wanted to die, but I was shocked when he actually did it. I was angry, bitter, confused, lost. I had so many questions.

Why? Why would he leave the family he loved so much? Why would he leave his granddaughter? What could I, or should I, have done? Could I have stopped it somehow? Was it my fault? How would our children cope? How could he be so selfish? How could I have been so blind to the reality? What in the world was he thinking? These are just some of the questions I struggled with – still struggle with, honestly. I loved him, I still love him, and I just couldn’t understand it.

It is those of us left behind who will struggle to try and understand the choice, but we never will. We can’t. We can’t know what was in the mind of our loved one. We can’t know what was in their heart. Maybe we don’t really want to because the knowing would change how we remember them. If we knew those secret thoughts they carried, could we ever remember the happy and loving times without seeing the shadow lurking in the background?

I have struggled with the teaching that suicide is a mortal and unforgiveable sin, and that the person who commits suicide will never see heaven. I’ve read many articles, searched scripture, and prayed. Nowhere in the Bible does it specifically call out suicide as a sin. Yes, we could look at the commandment not to kill and reasonably conclude that it includes killing oneself. But an unforgiveable sin? There is only one scripture in the Bible that refers to an eternal (unforgiveable) sin. In Mark 3:28-30 Jesus said “Truly I tell you, people can be forgiven all their sins and every slander they utter, but whoever blasphemes against the Holy spirit will never be forgiven; they are guilty of an eternal sin.”

There are those would argue that to be forgiven, we must ask for forgiveness, and I do believe that is truth. John wrote “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” (1 John 1:9) Is there the possibility to seek forgiveness when someone commits suicide? There is a passage in Romans 8 about present suffering and future glory that discusses how our suffering today is nothing compared to the glory that will be revealed, and that the whole of God’s creation has been groaning with eagerness for the children of God to be revealed. That hope draws people to God and salvation. “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.” Is it possible that in the last moments of our loved one’s life, the Holy Spirit heard their internal cries for help and came to them? I firmly believe that it is possible.

We can’t know what was in the heart or mind of our loved one, that is true. We also can’t know the Will or Mind of God. Those last moments of life will forever be between our loved one and God. But the scripture gives us hope that their desperation was seen and heard by the Holy Spirit, and that they were wrapped in the arms of a loving God who could understand their distress and respond with the love that only God can give.

If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please seek help. Call out to God, call a friend – there is hope, you are loved. Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call 1-800-273-8255

Heavenly Father, please hear the cries of those who need you but don’t know how to tell you what they are going through. So many are struggling, afraid, desperate and feeling helpless, hopeless – please hear the intercession of the Spirit in those times when words just don’t come. Please give us hope – hope to trust in you when we are so alone, and hope that those we have lost were able to cry out to you, the most Holy and Loving Father, for the help they needed in those moments. Please give us hope. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.